me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Merica.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
All excellent questions
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.