Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
You Might Also Like
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
🙀🙀🙀😹
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.