If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.