I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
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I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I’M CRYINGGG
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff