ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
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They must have gotten it to go.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I feel seen
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night