I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now