“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I need to get some bricks…
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.