Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
water it, i dare you
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
I feel this so hard
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Who knew!
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”