My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
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FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.