Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
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DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe