you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
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Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
The options really are this bad
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.