Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
multitasking lunch
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
*bites zombie*
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.