ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.