Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
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Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer