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The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Mmmm canned fish.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs