If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
This meal prepping shit easy
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.