When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
You Might Also Like
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I just tested negative for patience.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
tis the season
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad