HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
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[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Human are so complicated
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
OKAY DAD
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*