You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant