Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
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I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.