Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
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Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I feel like one of these would kill a European
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.