Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
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-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training