i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Whisper out to librarians!
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Velcrow
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
R.I.P.