My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
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The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain