#damn
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Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?