Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
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A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.