#oldknees
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you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something