I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
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Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.