Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
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Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
😆this is so true
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”