The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
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“The Perfect Relationship”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.