The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
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Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
oh shit
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time