me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
for all #parents out there
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea