*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭