I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
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#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.