In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]