[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
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The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.