[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
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translated into Canadian
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.