I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
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My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.