Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
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The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE