Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
mom had nothing to worry about
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.