[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
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[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
😬
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk