If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
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Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“Why you watching this shit?”
britain’s three elite institutions
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!