“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
You Might Also Like
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.