Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*