pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care