ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
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My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why