[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye