gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
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GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
mood
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party