My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.