Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
You Might Also Like
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
*limbos under the caution tape
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.